You want to watch me melt the hell down?
Here’s the recipe:
Step 1 Tell me I need to get something important done. Or wait until I’m trying to learn something, or trying to write just a few disjunct thoughts.
Step 2 Interrupt me every 8 minutes with lame jokes or stupid comments, then let me try to get back to what I was doing. Continue until I’m obviously annoyed.
Step 3 Sit and ignore the dog who needs to go out. Oh, and don’t bother to tell me the elderly dog needs to go out. Then act surprised when I come out of the other room and see that the dog has peed on the floor.
Step 4 In your surprise jump up, run to the linen closet and grab one washcloth sized towel, which you then must drop on the smallest of the pee area completely missing the puddle running across the floor. Oh and you must stand there looking at the towel dumbfounded, as if you expected it to magically move and clean up the mess.
Step 5 Give me dirty looks when I yell at you to get some more towels.
Step 6 Sit at your computer while I’m on my hands and knees with the Bissell machine shampooing the carpet. Don’t bother to clean up the puddle of pee, do however stand in the way of my getting to the cleaning solution for the Bissell, then prevent me from being able to get to the kitchen sink to mix the solution, when you could, AND SHOULD be wiping the floor with the towels you’ve now dropped on the back of the chair.
Step 7 Wait for me to finish cleaning up the mess and clean the tools, then just as I’m about to sit down with a cup of coffee getting back to an employment letter you know I’ve been struggling with, announce that you’re waiting for me to get a shower so you can wash all the towels.
Step 8 When I get out of the shower, announce that the dogs need to go out again and that you’re working on an email.
Step 9 After 20 minutes of me being outside with the dogs in nothing but a pair of shorts keep sitting at your fucking computer as one of the dogs steps on my foot and slices it open. Don’t forget to give me a dirty look when I ask you to simply get a treat for the dogs.
Step 10 Look on as, I’m pulling the Bissell back out of the closet to clean the blood out of the carpet, left there as you impassively observed my bloody foot, never once thinking to get me a bandage, or paper towel, or any assistance whatsoever. and completely ignoring my request for any of the above. Don’t forget to give me dirty looks and explain you were trying to decide which of the above would be better before you moved.
Step 11 As I attempt to return to whatever the hell I was doing, start tuning a fucking harp. Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da Dong Dong Dong Da De Da Da.
Be pissy with me when I ask you for a few minutes of silence while I try to remember what the hell I was doing 3 hours ago. I explain that the tuning sequence sounds like RAP music, it’s going nowhere but is very irritating. Either play something OR DON’T.
Step 12 This is the most important step. Be hurt and offended when I go full on NUKE because no matter where I try to go in this fucking house, there is something in my way.
Either you, or the idiot dog, and no matter what FUCKING path I choose, one of you blocks me from my destination. Of particular annoyance is my having to exit the house via one door and re-enter the house via another door because you’ve blocked all other pathways. I was only trying to get to my glasses but even that was too much to ask!
So, that’s how my Saturday is going… How’s yours?