And Once again Verizon demonstrates…

Why so very many people hate them!

Internet goes down. 

Modem says problem Bad & at their end.

Call Verizon.

35 minutes of screwing around with their stinking voice obfuscation system which is all the while telling me that I can resolve my problems by visiting them on the web at 

To which I say If I could visit you at I’d sign up FOR THE CARRIER providing me with the ability TO visit

Then I finally get to some female in god knows where but based on the static and her accent I’d bet she was in India somewhere. I ask her a simple question. “Is there a service problem in my area?” All I needed was a simple “Yes / No / I don’t know let me check”.

Instead we went down the rabbit hole which is all too common these days.

What is your operating system?” – I’ve gotten in the habit of simply telling them UNIX. It’s true and then we don’t have to deal with the bullshit Windows questions.

What is the Model of the modem you’re using?” – It’s a Netgear ADSL2+ DM111PSPv2

Do you have a Verizon Modem?” – Nope, the one you sent me died and I didn’t feel like waiting 2 weeks for you to get ’round to sending me a new one so I bought this one a year & a half ago and it’s been working just fine since I installed it.

Can you connect your computer directly to the modem?” – Uh NOPE, I’m not going to tear all my wiring out just so you can say I did.

Is the modem connected directly to the wall?” – UH YEAH… the Modem reported to me that at 12:53 PST it lost contact with your DNS Servers and was no longer able to obtain a DSL address.

What are the lights on your modem indicating?” – FUCK!!!!! Power Green, Ethernet Green, DSL Signal Green, WWW/WAN RED

Do you have a wireless router?” – Yes

What is the make of the wireless Router” – It’s an Apple not that it’s of any importance to this situation

Is the modem connected to the Router” – GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! Everything was working and has been working just fine. Can you please just run a damn line test?

Can you directly connect you computer to the modem?” – Look lady, I’ve got 10 computers of various types, and operating systems all running and communicating to a bunch of hard drives just fine via the router that you’re obviously trying to blame for your companies failure to provide internet service.

SO NO I’m not going to rewire my shit unless you can give me a seriously fucking compelling reason to do so.

What is the result of the line test?

Oh the line test has indicated a problem, can you turn you modem off and back on?” – Yes… climbs back up on the ladder to push the button.

Ok modem restarted…

Static ~ Static ~ Static ~ Long Long Long wait…

I’m so sorry that you have been inconvenienced you will be receiving a phone call within 24 to 48 hours explaining when you can expect your internet service to resume.

So the line test failed… “Yes, the line test failed, We have received reports that DSL service has been disrupted in your area.

So had you received those reports Before or After we began this little conversation?

We knew there was a service outage in your area

Great! Thanks for wasting my time.

I Hang up.

Why the hell is it so damn hard for people to just answer the question? Better yet why the hell didn’t Verizon route me to a recorded message based on my phone number that simply said

DSL Service is Temporarily Down in your area. We are working to resolve the problem.

That would have saved me the annoyance, and the “Technical Support Monkey” in India a lot of frustration.

This blog will not have any pictures…. I may add some when the internet comes back up.

How did I post this you ask????

I’m using the hotspot in my cell phone. It’s only a 2G connection but it’s working.


Saturday Update:

They’re at it again.  This morning Verizon was giving my modem an ip address… every 20 seconds. However the data rate was 2000 BITs per second.

Rough math says that’s about 250 Characters per second which means that if you were just reading text based information you’d be able to easily keep up as the text scrolled across the screen. That is assuming that you can actually read… I guess if you’re here reading this blog you do know how to read… Good for you!

However with todays content rich websites… the reality is that you’ll see nothing but a blank page.

After restarting every single system in my network (Modem, Routers, Computers, WiFI extenders), I realized with horror that I’d need to report the problem to Verizon. 

After Irishing my coffee… I was once again on the phone working my way through the insanity that is Verizons menu system.

It’s all voice activated and apparently tuned for non English speaking people because even when I’m speaking to it calmly (Before it pisses me off) it doesn’t understand me. 

As an aside… I really hate voice recognition/prompts that have Genuine People Personalities I find them annoying and condescending. 

This time I tried to work with the damn machine.

I was able to get it to run a line test. It determined that something was wrong and told me that it was going to transfer me to a human being. 

“Cool” I thought. 

Then for my protection, it wanted me to enter the last 8 or 10 digits of my account number. As If I had that handy!!!! Failing that… They wanted me to enter the amount I’d last paid them. UHHH Yeah! RIGHT! If I don’t have the account number handy, I’m sure as hell not going to have the last amount I paid handy.

I mean I could look it up ON THE INTERNET except that I can’t get to the Verizon web pages.

You know… The web pages where we’re all asked to “Go Green” and Save paper by signing up for automatic payments? Yeah… THAT page.

Which takes me into the loop where the Genuine People Personality tries to get me to pull this information out of my ass.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

At this point I’m heating up for a full on explosion.

Then I remember being told once swearing foully at these systems can get you to a human being. So I channel the spirits of some of my favorite Marines!

It did break me out of the loop… and I felt better too!

Then I’m in a hold queue where a very nice voice complete with Indian accent is telling me they’ll get to me in less than 15 minutes and that she’s sorry for the inconvenience.

I’m calmer. I go back to my desk. I’m watching the modem performance statistics.  

The indian accent lady is telling me they’ll get to me in less than 15 minutes and that she’s sorry for the inconvenience. AGAIN

When all the sudden the stats jump way up Bits… Kilobits… Megabits… per second. the throughput stabilizes at 2.96Mbps (normal)  for my DSL service.

Still, the indian accent lady is telling me they’ll get to me in less than 15 minutes and that she’s sorry for the inconvenience.

I hang up. 

Whatever the hell the problem was… they must have gotten thousands of calls about it.

I’m guessing that was enough to light a fire under them. 



Remember these Utilities WORK for YOU!

They need to be reminded of that on a regular basis. 

Yeah… I’m all Nebari today. So what?

I’d decided that I was going to refer to whoever I spoke with at Verizon in the Nebari way.

ServicerI will give commands, you will execute commands

I probably wouldn’t have made and friends… but I sure as hell would have felt better!